Struggling to keep my head above water....

I did this like I do so many things in my life. I jumped right in, both feet first, fully clothed, even my shoes still on, wearing a down parka and jeans. 

Now as I look for someone to help me as I struggle to keep my head above water from the constant weight of a 40 hour a week job, my last semester of my Bachelor degree, the guilt of leaving a young child in the care of others and the loneliness, the aching loneliness of being gone from my home and family…..I see that I left my support system behind…I don’t know how much of one that I had, but whatever I had, I keenly feel it’s absence.

Life only gives you what you make it...

 I never really thought much about down the road; what this would all look like in a month, 3 months or a year, I just knew that I had to do it.

Damn this economy and damn this life that a mother can’t figure out how to be a mom and work and make good money. 

I find myself at 50, chubby and smart…where do I fit in? I work with great people, but I didn’t bust my ass for a Bachelor of Science in Business Management to sit on a dialer all day long.

I worked so hard to build so much momentum for myself. I know it will pay off, but patience has never been a virtue of mine.

......the saga of a newly working mom....

My first day going to work December 27th, 2010

In the blink of an eye, and with no fanfare what so ever, on Monday (December 27^th), I joined the rank of working mothers. 

I have worked on and off for decades, but always from my home and with my own schedule. Now I work a regular 8-5 job with regular rules and of course regular pay. 

My thoughts run the gamut, my feelings hurt, I am euphoric.  After 30 years of birthing, breastfeeding and raising 6 kids, I had always thought that my reward would be something quite different than getting up 5 days a week at ZERO-dark: thirty and leaving my home. Due to this down-turned economy, ‘The Great Recession’ was my reward. No matter how hard I try, I can truly find no real person to blame.

So far I have battled extreme guilt, anguish and second thoughts about leaving my kids and my home. I wonder if the guilt ever truly goes away and  maybe someday I will know, but for now my youngest at home is 10 and in a few short years he will be just fine hanging out with his friends and looking forward to when Mom gets home with dinner and smiles, so he can be with her….

Euphorically I look forward to the pay and a chance to be part of a team that provides the sustenance for our family to live in and navigate this world. My pay gives my family the chance to have dependable vehicles, warmer houses, newer appliances that don’t break down, better educations and so many other things.

In a few shorts weeks my life changed so much and I am sure the upcoming months will only give me more of the same. 

We move into a new house within a few weeks, leaving behind family and friends that mean so much to us. So very much to me.

Last week we bought a new car and will hire before and after school care for Tuffy. I most likely will pare down my push for my degree taking only 3 classes this semester instead of 5 and that will leave 3 classes to complete in the summer. I will still ‘graduate’ April of 2011 by ‘walking’ in graduation ceremonies, but not receive my diploma until the missing classes are completed in the summer.   

My husband begins a new job with Homeland Security and will be home every night and ALL holidays, unless there is an emergency, then he reports to the ‘command center’.   

I hope these changes bring goodness and hope to our family and not sadness and regret. 

For now the only way to go and the only thing to do is to push forward…I am grateful to have a job in such uncertain times, I am grateful for cool kids and a husband who wants to be the best husband a woman can have. 

I will do my best to be as wonderful as my children and my hubby.

James Taylor & Carly Simon - Close Your Eyes

In one month, I will have been married 31 years, sometimes hard, sometimes not....but my hubby sent :
Well the sun is surely sinking down,
but the moon is slowly rising.
So this old world must still be spinning around,
and I still love you.
CHORUS:
So close your eyes;
you can close your eyes, it's all right.
I don't know no love songs,
and I can't sing the blues any more.
But I can sing this song,
and you can sing this song
when I'm gone.
It won't be long before another day.
We're gonna have a good time.
And no one's gonna take that time away.
You can stay as long as you like.